Motherhood: Where Do I Fit?

It’s two weeks before my youngest starts Kindergarten.  My oldest is going into seventh grade, with two in between.  There have been days in the last twelve years that have gone by so slllooowwww.  And now, I wonder the cliché: where has time gone? When did they all get so big? Why did it all go so fast?  During these thoughts, a new one popped in my head…Why didn’t anyone tell me that motherhood seems to be a collection of seasons where we are constantly figuring out who the hell we really are?

Ten years ago, I left teaching – partially by choice, partially by circumstance.  I had just become comfortable with who I was as a teacher and the role I played in my students’ lives to then be thrust into the world of being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).  This was no easy adjustment.  It was three years into my journey as a SAHM when I actually felt somewhat comfortable in that role.  During this period, I went through postpartum depression and coping with life at home with small children was proven even more difficult.  Nonetheless, with practice (and a little therapy), I was comfortable that I was doing okay – maybe I wouldn’t totally screw my kids up after all.  I was trying to make myself a priority so that I could be a better mom and wife.  I was making new friends – something that I missed for a long time.  Then baby number four came along, yet another adjustment.  I worked as a mom, worked part-time in direct sales, started writing again, and made sure to exercise and take care of me. Dates with my husband were a priority and so were good times with friends.  I felt like I had rediscovered myself.  For the first time in a long time, I felt confident. 

Then a new chapter began.  A year ago, I went back to work.  Though only part-time, I was back to working outside of the home again – responsible for answering to other people, serving people outside of my home at work while still serving the people inside my home.  I’ve never had more respect for full-time working moms in my life!  Finding balance while serving other people and keeping everyone inside my house fed (mentally, physically and spiritually), busy, rested, responsible, healthy, and feeling loved in addition to the other million motherly things we do (including being interrupted while writing this article eighteen times to this point in my third paragraph – oh wait, now nineteen!).  Time with my husband outside of this house seems to have been put on the backburner again because we are constantly running our children in eight different directions.  And time with friends?  I’m afraid I don’t even know where I fall in that picture. 

And now, for the umpteenth time in ten years, I face a new season.  A season where all my children are in school full-time for the first time in the history of this mom’s motherhood. So, I return to two questions I asked myself just a few short years ago – who am I and where do I fit?  To this point, I’ve been called by God to be many things – a wife, a mother to four beautiful and strong-willed humans, a teacher, a youth director at our church (the list goes on).  None of these are easy, which makes the above two questions difficult to ask more times than not (let’s be honest, this won’t be the last time I am forced to ask such questions).  But this morning when I was at Monday mass, I heard exactly what I needed to hear.  God is not the Candyman; he doesn’t hand over everything we want.  Even when he calls us to do something specific, it will unlikely be completed with ease.   Things will be difficult.  But hearing this allows me to move forward with the understanding that there is a plan, that He will guide me, and to remember one of my favorite quotes by Mother Teresa: “…it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”