Because this is my first writing piece, I should probably give you some background on me before I go off on somewhat of a tangent. I’ve been married for fifteen years and have four children. All four of my pregnancies resulted in four healthy children. Only one pregnancy resulted in a long enough bout of postpartum depression (PD). After child number three was born and after what was a somewhat normal pregnancy, I went through postpartum depression for approximately two years. I say ‘somewhat’ normal pregnancy, because looking back I can see things that could have been early signs of the depression to come.
The people around me knew very early on that I was struggling with postpartum depression. I, however, was very reluctant to see any healthcare professional or get any help. So instead, I fought with my husband for months (in addition to many other loved ones), yelled at my kids all too often, cried numerous times per day and in general, was just a very miserable human being to be around. I hated myself for the person I was becoming. Eventually, about a year into my bout with PD, I finally sought help. I couldn’t live like that anymore. I knew I needed to be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend. I was failing at all of these daily. With the help of my priest, I found a wonderful therapist and with the help of my loving doctor, I went on medication (which I initially hated the idea of and took many months to decide).
The idea of medication scared me. I wanted to return to my normal self on my own. I believed healthy eating, exercise, and personal time would get the job done. It didn’t. I was on depression medication for a very short period of time and it really worked. So, I went off of the medication.
As my PD began to fade, I noticed months later that I was still dealing with anxiety. I would have panic attacks that would appear from nowhere. If you’ve ever had a legitimate panic attack, you understand when I say it is absolutely terrifying! Again, knowing that medication may be necessary, I fought it. I didn’t want to believe things were that bad once again. I know what it is like to live life happily and not in constant fear that I will have a panic attack for an unknown reason. I decided to go back on my anxiety medication and only take it when I feel it necessary. In the last several years, I’ve become very aware of my body and what is happening. It helps greatly in managing my anxiety and knowing what my body needs to function.
I decided to write this because I was listening to someone tell their story a few days ago about a diagnosis she was awaiting. When sharing her story, she was sharing her new struggle with anxiety and said, “I was prescribed anxiety medication but am so proud to say…I never did take it.” And she was in tears, yet so proud she didn’t take the medication.
This is where I became upset. Several years have gone by since my bout with PD, and yet I still struggle with anxiety. On and off, but it is something I know I will have to deal with the rest of my life. I understand the difficult decision of taking medication. I understand wanting to manage things in our own way, naturally. I really do. It was a difficult decision I made to start taking medication. But I know this now, too…there is NO SHAME in making the decision to take that medication! For some of us, it is necessary. Necessary to live normally and not feel like you’re crumbling. Because if you’ve ever had a panic attack, that’s exactly what it feels like – like with world is crumbling around you. The rational side of the brain tells us there’s nothing to be afraid of while the irrational side is telling us we need to fear everything – like the deadline at work or the conversation you had with a friend five years ago where you may have said something stupid! And we’re aware that our thoughts are irrational, while there is no way to convince ourselves otherwise at that moment. So it becomes necessary for some of us to function – to work, to parent, to engage with our family and friends. Therefore, while I understand the fear of using medication, I’m also a strong advocate for it. And hope people realize that there in NO SHAME in making that decision for proper self-care to manage a mental illness like anxiety.
I hate that there is still such a horrible stigma regarding mental health. Too many people suffer due to such stigmas. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Though medication isn’t required for some, medication is absolutely necessary for many people. It is most definitely about self-care and self-love and it is okay.
Credence & Chaos 